swam up to a rock that cousteau had signed
and lots of others too, that was in the pacific
where you felt like there was no world
least not one you'd be interested in
water fell far
way down the flipping face of the thing
and just...vanished into the sea
and when you got there
two dozen blips, bad man...bad men
with bill fish bull shit
once while swimming underwater
I met a shitload of sharks
all just going about their business
the size of station wagons
6 Oct 16
Rated 8 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (2): 8, 10
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you don't need "that was in the pacific" - it's superfluous and feels clunky to boot. it's a small poem, you can afford economy.
otherwise I really enjoyed. my favourite part is the flipping face of the thing.
cheers for the read,
yes I do
your call. however, your grammar is awkward/wrong. why would you want to keep it like that if its been pointed out to you?
swam up to a rock in the pacific
cousteau had signed and lots of others too (better, stilll iffy)
in the pacific i swam up to a rock
cousteau signed, lots of others too...
swam up to a rock costeau signed (don't need had, either)
and lots of others too,
(because of the title we already know its in the pacific)
best of three?
the way it is now, your 'was' should be were and the comma not there. it reads wrong.
if you like it how it is, that's fine. if you could explain to me why it needs to be that way, even better.
Of course, you mustn't take me seriously, because If it were mine it would likely say this:
Wearing a swimming costume made of lycra, on a day that was affluent with weather, I breast-stroked over to a rock. I'd been swimming for a while but I am of athletic, yet stocky build. I was all tingly with endorphins. To be honest, it was quite a workout. The bliss I was feeling reminded me of this one other time, above a burger shop. I had been hastily dispatched to a cherry-haired bastion. We made origami bibles out of my spun pubes and flung cigarette butts out the window. We were aiming for the portly pedestrian and what do you know, we succeeded! Wicked! Anyway, this rock, on this other particular day, was not an origami bible or cherry-o-baby. This rock was in THE PACIFIC. Far be it from me to get my placements mixed about. This rock was called Cocos island. If you would like to read a bit more about this please check out Wiki. Cousteau had once signed this rock. Many other's had also signed it. I find this poetically significant. My name is John Weston and my address is 33 Mockingbird Lane, Springfield. I am gluten intolerant and yet I like to eat pancakes for breakfast. Don't give me feedback on my poems lest i am intentionally rude to you.
lol, howz about that one? :-)
(if you don't require feedback just put a footnote next time. if you like to receive it, 'thank you' would have sufficed.)
and, of course I meant 'macrame' bible, lol
polly thanks for the input...really
i love the rewriting of the poem
but it stays
yw - shrug. white space is part of your poem. Move it to its own line? Give it a home of its own? Without a comma?
Keep as is cos Hank knows best. It's the artist in him. Not least.
^it's an illustrative piece, that's for sure. i probably should change my score.
This is an interesting read. Not sure whether or not i like it, but it has merit in places. In L2, a period and not a comma should follow "too" where "That was in The Pacific" is a new sentence. Otherwise you've got some interesting language happening here ("flipping" as opposed to "fucking," L6.) L9's "bad man...bad men" seems out of place and for ME, tends to weigh down the following line. I'd suggest that you let it go from "two dozen blips" right into L10's "with bill fish bull shit." The flow would improve this way. In L12, I'd use "came across, came upon, discovered or even happened upon" over the current, "met." When I think of "met," I think of meeting someone and sharks are more like someTHINGS. In L14, I'd pluralize "size" - "the sizes of station wagons.
seems to me none of you know how to move. you're stuck.
polly and hank swimming in the sea...p.i.s.s.i.n.g
go'on hankster, at least move the words 'that was' on L2
for your reward i'll make you a sarnie. i'll even fetch the mayo. :-)
the name hank makes me think of henry rollins