poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Tidying Up Daughter
larrylark

You arrive,
 1
ready to rearrange our knives.
 2
Forks in our road.
 3
The bends in those U-turns.
 4
Pain in the glass that will be wiped away
 5
Then you say “That’s it, let’s rest,
 6
you’ve passed the test.”
 7
and stay a little longer.
 8
 
 
We are mesmerised,
 9
smiling at ourselves.
 10
Even the house starts to laugh
 11
at its own absurdly daft shininess.
 12

28 Jan 17

Rated 10 (10) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (0): 10

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Comments:

you let her see your verse?
 — cadmium

I thought even you could recognise the difference between fact and fiction.

Larry liar liar pants on fire Lark
 — larrylark

well, as poetry it's crap, but if it's supposed to be a short story with feeble line-endings, then someone's gonna love this. why did you think i called it 'verse' in the first place? are you really that under educated in literature? that's awesome.
 — cadmium

Thanks Cad. I really appreciate the clarity of your crits on my crap.

Larry brown nose Lark.
 — larrylark

yes, i've never yet seen you in a humble mood.
 — cadmium

Just call me Uriah Heep

Larry wot the Dickens Lark
 — larrylark

my daughter is 40.
 — cadmium

Time flies Cadmium...where did all those years go? I can barely believe that my eldest daughter is 35.

Larry cradle to grave Lark.
 — larrylark

mine can barely believe i'm her father. must be some kind of evolutionary thing, where they grow out of being a kid but still can't walk on land.
 — cadmium

I wish I had a daughter. As well as my sons.  I've a daughter-in-law, and a grand-daughter though.

Hubby has suggested that it's not too late for my own...and physically it's not...I guess. Practically, maybe.

Soft skin, dolls, dancing and dress ups would be fun...But I've another grand baby on the way too (boy)...and babies are sure a lot of work.

Plus, Brooky gets to be Nannies and her uncles 'special' little girl because we've never had a girl baby in our immediate family.

So she gets to fill a nice little spot and I wouldn't want her not to have that.

Little girls are always super cute and bossy with their Daddies. I love watching my son with his daughter.

I really like this poem.
 — PollyReg

another comment bites the dust, lol.

;-)
 — PollyReg

so, maybe if you talked about how larry uses: arrive/ rearrange/ knives, you'd get a dialog going. larry and i are annoyed with each other but trying to find a way out of that. we're not gossiping, we're sending clues and signs out into the void of each other, looking for intelligent life on other planets. you're not showing rotation according to the laws of nature, you're just spinning on your toes. which is ok, but you don't really understand ballet.
 — cadmium

oh right, so basically, its okay for you and larry to talk about your daughters but not okay for me to talk about my lack of daughter. hmmmm.

I don't care, cadders, rule of thumb is that people don't like when I review their use of words or placement or whatever so why should I continue to do it? it just causes me undue stress when I point something out, know I am right, and I am either condescended to or ignored.

I don't care if I'm ignored 'this' way. I'm not ignored in my life so it makes no difference to me.

I liked this poem. Its very sweet and I said as much by 'relating' to it.

If I wanted to be a nazi I would question the clunkiness of L12. Although 'daft shininess' adds a personal "Lark" spin to it - it would read a lot smoother if the adverb was dropped completely as well and L12 became

'at its own absurdity'

and thankyou yes, I know you love it when I'm ignored, you silly sausage.
 — PollyReg

I have even pointed out spelling mistakes and been ignored (not by larry, so as I remember) but by others.

When 'writers' would rather have a spelling mistake then say thankyou graciously when there is a problem then I don't really need any part of it. People need to own their own shit.

If people post for comments and ignore the one giving it...it just stinks like ass to me.
 — PollyReg

And if you want to talk about that particularly, those words...Well, I don't understand why there is a comma on the end of L1 - Also if it were mine I'd break it thusly (thusly?)

You arrive ready
to rearrange our knives.
 — PollyReg

A comma after "then you say" on L6.
L7 - the period replaced with a comma.
 — PollyReg

Larry lovingly, fatherly Lark :)
Great job.
 — sylvia

:-(

This is probably grossly inappropriate...And I don't mean anything by it other than what a horrible coincidence considering the comments.

...But a musician called John Wetton died on Tuesday...He was in a band called King Crimson and played with another band called 'URIAH HEEP'...One of the albums he worked on was called "Larks' tongues in Aspic"

Here is the article:

http://www.msn.com/en-au/entertainment/music/joh n-wetton-rocker-with-king-crimson-and-asia-dies-at-67/ar-AAmudfR? li=AAgfYrC&ocid=1PRCDEFE

It would be terrible if that was the Larkster. But the world aint that small.
 — PollyReg

;-)

https://youtu.be/yPKlrRwJB8 A
 — PollyReg

God you're a self centred bitch, Polly
 — unknown

No. I am really not.
 — PollyReg

King Crimson's "Court O f The Crimson King" is a classic Pollyreg. It seemed to be a crossover between Frank Zappa, The Beatles totally tripping out, The Beach Boys with sand in their ears, Syd Barret era Pink Floyd and my Grandad playing an accompanyment to "Blue Moon" by Derry and the Delfonts on maracas, or at least i hope it was maracas.

Larrt Beef hearted Lark.
 — larrylark

lol, the things I do to get someone to acknowledge I replied on their poem...:-)

I'm glad u replied because it just goes to show how easy it could be to create a rumour...

Not that I was trying to do that. After I thought about it for a while I half believed it myself...

Consider it a compliment. Same like "Paul is dead"...etc.

But what on earth were people playing records backwards for back then anyways?

Why on Earth was I reading MSN news sites? The world is full of mystery.

https://youtu.be/BGLGzRXY5B w
 — PollyReg

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 — unknown

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