|everything else but for the joy of sand
they don't call like they used to anymore,
hungry and lapsing and filled with the language
of goosebumpy skin and toefuls of grainy, useless gods
they, apart from them, are fallen leaves among the dirt
and the chill wind from down south where our caloric
intake nosedives off a silent, aching cliff
and them, apart from us, don't speak for the larger violence -
not in the way of elders / rusted coffee tins, stale repeated
but we, melded like them/theirs,
are confined to the beaches no longer
and are days ours or have they dusted
away - gone integrity, gone truth, gone
real, gone and gone and gone and gone
18 Feb 17
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i had a lot of fun reading this poem. One of my favorite elements of poetry -- and language altogether -- is the musicality of words. I think your commas were very well placed, and your lines are built of strong brick and mortar. The way you have seperated your lines definitely gives it a clean, rushing pace that is easy to follow, and avoids having a singsongy feel.
One thing I'll point to that I'm kind of in-between about is the (/)'s . I used them in a couple of my favorite poems I had wrote during one of my last semesters. I had a female teacher that struck them with a red pen every time I used them, and she told me (*for example, borrowing from your poem*) "it's either them or theirs -- choose one and go with it, but never use a (/). "
I didn't fully agree with her at the time -- nevertheless, I cut them out. I was disappointed though and felt like they took away part of the poems character, and thought I had made the poem too plain at that point. I'll say it's up to you to use them or not. Poetry has to be free to artistic expression, but I'll also say, they stick out like a sore thumb when reading through the poem, and it may seem vague to some readers, and may cause them to pronounce the slash, or just leave it out completely and say both words on either side of the (/). If they don't choose correctly, it throws the rhythm off. You decide what's best tho.
Thank you for sharing!
using the slash is like using a duplet in music. it puts two beats into the space of three beats and accents each word in a way that the prosaic 'and' never does. part of poetry writing is to use two thoughts at the same time, and play the words so that the poem suggests this multi conscious reality -- which is like our reality of looking into the distance and feeling our feet on the ground at the same time.
more and more i think creative writing classes are worthless except for meeting other poets. if the teacher isn't really a poet, then you'll be taught how to write articles for the new york times using funny line breaks. mostly though, creative writing profs are just hosts, the way jerry springer is a host, and their job is to keep some people from talking all the time and some others talking at all.
there's a solid poem here...it doesn't read great, if you can take that with a grain of salt. Its like waving at great, like Hey, I remember you
If it were mine I would have it:
And apart from us they speak for the larger violence -
in the way of elders/rusted coffee tins, stale
repeat of cigarette breath
and melded like they...
...are confined to the beach...
and then etc...
I've no problem with slashes, I use them all the time. Larger violence is great.
Would be interesting to know the background/origin of poem
Thanks for the read,
There is vulnerability in a slash...not assuming that others know your mind.
Said, I really like the way it's employed in L8...a little trick, poetic wink. cute and quirky.
them/theirs and them/they is slightly grating.
thanks for the comment and critique, polly! i'm afraid there isn't much of a background behind this poem, at least not in the "i need to tell this story" sense. i hadn't written a poem in quite some time and i was reading some poorly written article about something (can't remember) and the way a sentence was written inspired the title; i just went with what i felt was good in the moment. that being said i do imagine it's saying something along the lines of the speaker being regretful of their current lot in life - not being talked to by their friends or colleagues as much anymore, feeling dissatisfied with the world around them as well as themselves, questioning existence itself ... yadda yadda. At least, that's what -i- get when i read the poem :)
You're welcome :-)
Thanks for the explo
I rarely need to tell a story either, lol. Although my mates might beg to differ...I'm a funny story teller at least. At least that's what they tell me....:-) It must be the Irish in me.
I fear if I were telling 'trues' they might all be saddies...Let's not go there :-)
Not the Irish in me but the 'granny' in me. LOL
Really good poem. I like it a lot.