poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Past Times

Sometimes time's wrong,
goes along the line too slow or fast.
leaves  no way of verifying present or past.
Cast about for clues
thinking “Is this yesterdays news?”
”Did i give this this day a miss, or is it night?"
How to re embark while sat tight,
completely in the dark.
Your mind wanders to the park
where the old sundial
wiles away redundancy
beneath the shade of fungus stained trees,
placed there ages ago by those
wearing a Sunday best pocket watch
strapped to their chests beneath a cotton picked vest
which they wound round each day.
Will time ever be undone, ticked off,
with no second chance?
Once more we might scan the skies
looking for clues as to what is passing by.

21 Feb 17

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i think maybe you left off an apostrophe in line one, time's ...?

i wonder if dropping 'yesterdays' from 5 might give the line a little kick, so it kicks into 'did i give this day a miss...' -- i think a song-piece like this might be seen as being sung on stage, in a music hall in the nineteen thirties? and, i can see jack buchanan flipping this line, with a little tap of the feet...

line 7 and 8 i really admire and would have liked to have written them. very ira gershwin.

i wonder if 'your mind wanders to the yard...' a small pun, but also avoiding the too strong rhyme 'dark-park', after its clever play on 8?

the second stanza kind of wanders away -- it happens.
maybe, because you don't think anyone is getting it,
or cares. but, who am, a chatty poof, i to second guess you --
you, sitting in your study in your underwear --
rhyming to the air, like keats and edward lear.
 — cadmium

LOL Cad. I really appreciate your insightful crit. Tomorrow i will look at it again. Today i have been trying or as the missus says very trying so i am going to be a "good boy" for the rest of the evening. Underwear Keats Lear...whatever next?
 — larrylark

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