poetry critical

online poetry workshop

yeah, TELL me about it. (B)

experimental line-for-line negation of 'i'll TELL you what' (http://poetry.tetto.org/read/888/).  who would you rather spend time with- the person who appears the way we desire ourselves to be seen, or the antithesis of our ideal?  [shouldnt we then, collectively adjust our societal ideal?]

i can't tell you exactly what you want or need.
i don't know why i'm here.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know why some people like me.
my life is not well balanced.  what is that?
i feel like i don't have much time.
i am uncomfortable in most conversations.
i don't look forward to talking to strangers.
you probably have things more together than i do.
these are my favorite clothes.
i am uncomfortable.
i love the best i can, i think.
i think i would feel better if i was smarter.
i don't have any really great ideas.  do you?
i have had more than my share of accidents.
i'm no good at chess.  i don't get it.  i dream about writing a book.  i started a couple times.
i feel way behind.  it might be my fault.  might not.
i hope people are not looking at me.  i just thought of something embarrassing.
i doubt that you're watching. i got away with that.
i don't like to think about my past.  it gets boring fast.
i want to go to the places in your photo album.
i wish i could have travelled more,
and done even more things when i was younger.
i have a few stories, but i'd rather hear yours.
i never really won too much.
let's have another drink.  i don't want to go home yet.
i don't resent you personally, but you remind me of what i could have been.
i guess i should start exercising.  people do.
i watch tv a lot, but not too many dumb shows.
i got this new pda to organize my life, to catch up.
people don't know the real me.

1 Nov 02

Rated 9.5 (8.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (11): 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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I am this person, but wish I could be as perfect as the person in (A). Except that in (A) it seems like that person is really the insecure one... the part about the PDA really screams insecurity. Like that person couldn't bear to be seen as less than perfect... sad I guess.... so, I guess I am the person in this, and would like to be seen as perfect as people see the guy in (A).... dah, i'm confused!

nice idea behind these two, by the way.... you show deep insight into the way society works.
 — unknown

I also like this parallel. I agree with unknown, though, that it seems like the person in (B) might be a better person than the one in (A). (A) seems to be bragging; perhaps they are in the same position, just seeing things differently...
 — Moose

I love this! Apparently I'll now have to go read part A. But this poem is very good.
 — abby

part b is more interesting, more organic, like life part b is a work in progress, still searching still learning, still growing. beautiful.

part a sounds like a finished boring dead product, no room for growth, narrow minded, closed, closed, closed. ugly.

 — unknown

this is a dreamy piece of flowing stream of conciousness. i give you props for being in tune with what you're really thinking and feeling about things in the moment....
 — unknown

I am not sure about part A but part B sounds like your on your way to discovering new things and climbing a higher level in your life. Fly! Fly! Fly!
 — unknown

Looks like it was written directly from pages of a psychological profile test--in which they usually provide several choices:
1. Always
2. Sometimes
3. Almost never
4. Dude--this better describes my parole officer
 — unknown

that's interesting, considering that every line came from negating a corresponding line in poem A, those lines nothing but the sentencial pronouncement of the way we desire ourselves to be seen.
 — unknown

the idea for this set of poems is interesting. part (A) reminds me of "fitter happier" by radiohead.
 — unknown

To me this is prose, not poetry. A string of vaguely connected thoughts. I think it could be be arranged differently to great advantage.
 — unknown

brilliant.  i love this idea.

i wish it was mine.
 — root

good stuff
 — kaleidazcope

experimental line-for-line negation of 'i'll TELL you what' (http: //poetry.tetto.org/read/888/).  who would you rather spend time with- the person who appears the way we desire ourselves to be seen, or the antithesis of our ideal?  [shouldnt we then, collectively adjust our societal ideal?]

Looks or personality, it's no biggy.

 — unknown

one can never be without the other.
: )
 — fractalcore

It's okay. As a mirroring of one's self-image and inner dialogue it has some merit, but as something that begs to be read again, it kinda falls flat. I think the stricture of "line for line negation" took control of the creative conduit, and it shows.
Stuff such as this does have considerable value, however, as a means to develop.
It is what it is, and it's okay.
 — chuckle_s

I like this a lot. I read it with a sense of being understood, which was nice. I like its humility.

It does go on a little bit though because part of the effectiveness of this is its punchiness. Maybe removing lines 20-27 would remedy the situation?
 — smugzy

 — unknown

good work
 — odogg