poetry critical

online poetry workshop



This Is Not About the Eclipse
dannyprice

there is something between
 1
me
 2
and the
 3
light
 4
 
 
[this is not about the eclipse]
 5
 
 
something keeping the world gray
 6
at 12:37 p.m. with a break in the clouds
 7
 
 
the flowers must eat it all
 8
before i have the chance
 9
to taste it
 10
 
 
photosynthesis doesn't work on me
 11
the plants are alive
 12
but my heart
 13
is not
 14
 
 
there must be something between
 15
me
 16
and the
 17
light
 18
 
 
[this is not about the eclipse]
 19
 
 
it's like there is something i can never see
 20
 
 
i should
 21
though i won't
 22
or i'm afraid to
 23
 
 
it's like being blind
 24
but different
 25
 
 
like being insane
 26
but different
 27
 
 
like being in hell
 28
but different
 29
 
 
they taught me young
 30
not to stare directly at the sun
 31
but sometimes even looking at the moon
 32
hurts my eyes
 33
 
 
[this is not about the eclipse]
 34

21 Aug 17

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Comments:

nice work.
 — cadmium

Thank you, cad!
 — dannyprice

it ain't flowers u fag.
 — percocet

u r still gay.
 — percocet

u want what?
 — percocet

I am the master of you, an I vanish.
 — percocet

there must be something between
 — percocet

U know that no one ever cared?
 — percocet

we are worth less then posts.l
 — percocet

do u want me to hurt you?
 — percocet

u r like me.
 — percocet

Take it to the bank and get 12 cents
 — percocet

u ain't worth shit.
 — percocet

There's a lot of telling, and not much showing.

l7 - you describe the time, and a "break in the clouds", but where's the imagery that describes this? It's so clinical.
l9-10 - more description lacking imagery
l11 - 14 - more description lacking imagery. You had so much opportunity to describe wilted foliage or drooping flowers and browning petals, it just feels squandered, and using generic words like "plants are alive" or cliches like "my heart is dead" makes this especially trite. How does your heart being dead feel? Emote, don't describe.
l20 - awkwardly phrased. Even still, this could feeling could be described less literally so we can get the feeling without such a plain description.
l24-29 - very sing songy. I get that repetition can be used for impact, but here it becomes a bore.
l30-33 - not the great revelation one would've hoped for. I think it lacks the impact you had hoped for because the rest of the poem fell pretty flat. This is largely due to the repeated use of description rather than imagery. I think this whole piece could use an overhaul with that in mind.
 — Inuki

Thanks for reading perc, and inuki.
 — dannyprice

to the poet the word 'time' is descriptive, because we have a very strong intuitive imagination, able to visualize time in many modes and spaces. that's why poetry works as concise writing -- it's written for a very literate audience.

people who can only slog through a 'poem' because it tells them how to read it, aren't really reading poetry. they're reading a condensed story from cosmo but think it's more elevated than that because it has funny line breaks.

give us a break: learn to read poetry.
 — cadmium

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