poetry critical

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Running out of life
wkamen

Not ready to ascend
 1
the stairway to heaven,
 2
as blood runs out
 3
of my body.
 4
 
 
I call out,responses evade
 5
like echoes in a box.
 6
 
 
Into the night came a shield.
 7
I still had a chance.
 8

8 Oct 17

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
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glad you made it
 — dvdsxr

yeah, dvd, he might come and give you something for nothing someday, just like you've given him.

breaking not ready and the stairway, reads fine, like this coy ironic and distanced neuter pulling our strings. but,'as blood runs out my body' is from another comic. it really sounds clunky, like we're supposed to climb over your body parts to get to your brain and see this in your head. you're shoes are too big for that -- too stuck to the ground, shields, as you put it. it stops the reader, the reader stops caring -- it's like, ok, if you're that in control you don't need me to complete your sentences for you.

get rid of sentences. poetry is built on phrases, phrases are extruded emotion.
 — cadmium

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