poetry critical

online poetry workshop

lord of the flies

at 74 it is no longer
the mortgage, family feuds
legacy issues or doctors opinions
that rattle dad now;
but only the threat of
descending flies
whom he chases and swats
as if he is possessed.
a thousand alarms
to remind him
of the vulnerability
of an exposed location
rush of blood or scent
the time a comrade turned
into a corpse.


11 May 18

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nice catch of the event. being as i'm 72, i'd kind of like to see things from the old guy's point of view. my problem is that anyone can see anything as an outsider and subjectively it's the truth. but, anyone seeing is everyone and that's not so interesting, that someone saw an event they way they're trained to see it. the poet is intuitive and i think you know that there's more to this than just you being victimized by mysterious behavior. what do the flies signal to the old man? is it the flying part or the dirty part?

but, yes, this is clean writing -- getting to the core of the event by adding us into it as we read. nicely written.
 — cadmium

want to get this in before the spam pixie shits all over the thread.

in spielburg's 'close encounters', there's a scene where the dad is trying to make into the material world a vision he's been given. but, to his family he just seems crazy. spielburg does close ups of the family reacting to this one dinner table moment and we see the kids crying -- even the older boy, the one who's been trying to keep things together. it's quite moving because it shows the two worlds in collision and separate: the world of the mind of the family and the world of the artist in the form of the father's attempt at resolution through creation. that's something i know of from experience beyond just film or reading, and i carry this experience into this as i read this poem.

now, your audience -- who you want to respond to this and how you want them to respond, shows in how you wrote this: the poem is always a picture of the author writing the poem. and, it seems to me you want more a clumping of sympathy on you than on him, because you seem to have endured this moment and are kind of heroic for it. but, also that deathly distance is here that comes from being 'ironic' and not getting too close to the actual hurt itself. showing you're coping, that is, and sharing your being -- your self -- with others to make the abnormal normal: you posit this as a flashback, which we'd know from where...? not ourselves in 'nam but ourselves hearing about it in person or in films.

being that poetry is the most intuitive and honest way of presenting mental experience as physical, on the page real, experience, then i want the poem to show me a new way of seeing, not just a new thing to see.
 — cadmium

 — unknown

 — unknown

 — unknown