poetry critical

online poetry workshop



united we stand
rivergood

I was around when someone called Dylan
 1
"Judas"  for going electric.
 2
I sympathised when Paul Simon
 3
was down in the dumps in some dreary northern town ,
 4
years later i was the  speed
 5
in your cherry pie on some forgotten field.
 6
I was broad enough to carry prosaic history
 7
as my own.
 8

speed was heroin originally
mud added in for artistic license
i was the ink for the Sound of Silence when ps had his moment of doubt in some northern town
or when Patti Smith put a guitar to her poetry
i was  Jackie  deshannon dry eyes when love brushed Jimmy  Page

30 May 18

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Comments:

i was wondering who else made it through the sixties without being a whore. i did it by always seeing everyone naked. i saw the diguises and games turn into fads and head shops. i saw the creeps become trippers and the trippers leaching off, resenting your real self and wanting to grind you down... down to their, "get me the bong, slave" political truth.
 — cadmium

i was the ham as in sandwich that  choked Mamma Cass
 — unknown

bless you.
 — cadmium

I was around when someone called Dylan
 1
Judas  for going electric
 2
I sympathised when Paul Simon
 3
was down in the dumps in some dreary northern town
 4
years later i was the  speed
 5
in your cherry pie on some forgotten field
 6
I was broad enough to carry prosaic history
 7
as my own
 8

speed was heroin originally
mud added in for artistic license



i was  Jackie  deshannon dry eyes when love sought brushed Jimmy  Page

The continuity of the first two lines do nor make sense because you have left out that Dylan was "seen as a Judas" for going electric.

Your punctuation needs work. If you are not comfortable with it, then practice, it will come together (even if not perfect) at some point.

Last but not least, this is not poetry! it contains nothing that defines poetry, ie,
sonics, alliteration, imagery, rhyme, comparison, to name a few.
Even prose poems needs to have elements like this to elevate the prose so that the difference between mere prose comes through.
Good luck going forward.
 — unknown

thanks for the review Unknown
 — rivergood

unknown you've left comment can you give a revised version of this work ?
 — unknown

good imagery
 — Rossant

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 — unknown

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