poetry critical

online poetry workshop



minia
rivergood

When the Sun shines  i daydream of you,
 1
by which time  i would have
 2
retraced your footsteps
 3
on golden threads of love
 4
still tasting your nectar
 5

21 Jun 18

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
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Comments:

when it rains i daydream about her
retrace her footsteps
sink my toes in the soil

i'm too worn to wait,
besides
her perfume gives me a migraine.

sorry i couldn't help it, thank you for inspiring my sense of humour, i do like what you did here but i would consider a few edits to condense the thought.  thanks.
 — jenakajoffer

jenna apart from your good humour how would you improve the poem ? help appreciated
 — rivergood

I just did..?  lol

okay, omit Minia, use her/you, either one, the repetitiveness of the name in the title and line 1 doesn't do much.  I like to use "you" as often as possible, it's direct, commanding.

when it rains, i dream of you
(then what)? why do you dream, why would you bother with footprints, where is minia? how do you know minia?  

blessing where she stood, is the weakest line for me. I don't really see what this means, and please don't try to explain what it means, because that's not the point.

i try to steer away from "ing" words when possible, try retraced/blessed/tasted; it forces the image into action.  not always of course, but balance it out when you can.

this poem lacks depth and imagery (for me anyway), there is not enough to grasp, I am not emotionally lured, maybe write a long story about this and then see if it's a poem.

short poems are good and fun, but they require serious economy of words, careful selection and strong command.  

and who the fk would want to taste perfume? blech, that's just bloody awful.  if anything, you'd taste her nectar, or smell her perfume.  but either way it's going to be weak unless you show the reader why it's important.

:)
 — jenakajoffer

thanks Jenna for your help
 — rivergood

darlin' if you're going to use "you" now,
the rest has to follow
(retracing your footsteps/blessing where you stood/tasting your nectar).

when what shines?
rain was better, at least we know what rain is. ;)
hope this helpful.
 — jenakajoffer

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2018.8.30chenlixiang
 — yaoxuemei

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2018.9.15chenlixiang
 — yaoxuemei

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