poetry critical

online poetry workshop


the tractor gargled into the yard
he was dust and olive-stained. I sat cherry-
throated on dry stones, my knees bowed
by an earthy heat.
first time I saw love
hunched by the watering hole,
august and feral coloured
as I rolled on the boil of ecstasy.
he tipped the lid of the grain bucket
bubbling by the silo, his arms
hard-packed like clay as he deaconed apples
from the crate.
we met at dusk, in the mist by a goat-bell
fireflies swarmed in gauzy flight
as I pawed the shrub of pubescence
he was stiff as a pink-tipped feather
poking from a warbonnet, not sure
how hard to squeeze or how fast to go
I draped my neck across his thighs like a swan
the moon drooped against cornhusk
as we swithered into wet folds. the bob of
bulbous fruit and the webbed feet of ducks
performed underwater miracles.
I fell in love with it; the thought of him turning away
feeling the same discomfort as me,
that we didn't owe each other a thing.

22 Jun 18

Rated 10 (10) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (0): 10

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it's very good to learn to write by writing something powerful to your own senses, and not by just typing out 'ironic' sentences to nobody. but, that said, this needs to find a melody. it's like the readers-digest of a short story shortened for the busy reader. it's got some good lines, kind of like it's got some good images. but, it's pretty shot-gun, like you'd splattered your thoughts on the page. but, even, like you'd edited out the good or boring parts... missing parts which would make this a story instead of a collection of button-pushing lines...? but, it feels good, feels honest. just a little under-written and over-worded.
 — cadmium

thanks for the insight, mike.
 — jenakajoffer

again, i didn't know this was one of yours. it's really good that you're feeling different voices to write in different moods. i think we have to take risks just to show us that we had this ability to create beyond our safety zone and safe readers.
 — cadmium

very good poem A change of style .   This feels more immediate  more here and now
 — rivergood

I remember swithering. Its the best word.
 — DeformedLion

I wrote this poem several years ago, mike. I’ve been experimenting with different voices for some time. Thanks for the feedback, i made a few edits but it does lack melody, yes.
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks Linus, I agree.
 — jenakajoffer