poetry critical

online poetry workshop



What a pity when star is shining
Roc1Knight

What a pity when star is shining!
 1
You are sleeping or you may see.
 2
Milk way across and dreams set free.
 3
Night hides his darkness among these trees.
 4
So when you draw in your best opportunity.
 5
You will cover for no one could see.
 6
The best picture is in your heart.
 7
And the lowest is the ink mark to be.
 8
What a pity when star is shining!
 9
But thanks to the night, we can have dreams like thee.
 10

11 Aug 18

Rated 9 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (0): 7

(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

l10 dreams like these . thee is archaic
 — unknown

unk, if you read poetry and really like poetry, you read the poem as the first time you've ever read words. so, if the author of this uses 'thee', it's up to you to get into how and why it's used. not for the author to dumb it down to central highschool journalism club grammars.

'thee' means, 'thou' or 'you'. it's 'dreams like you', taard. check out the title, how it's old-fashioned romantic... how it's already taking us out of CNN talk and into actual literary talk. that's a gift.
 — cadmium

In a sight, I myself almost agree with the unk. But thanks to the deep comprehension of the cadmium, which draws me back to the original meaning of this poem, and also explains the I-to-you narration.
I want to express the sorrow that sleeping you cannot watch the beautiful nigh sky, and so are the stars. But I also wonder if your dreams are more beautiful than this starry night, like you are the Brahma.
At last, no matter how much I can or cannot see, as far as I can imaging, the person like you in my poem, will complete the beauty one missed, will it not?
 — Roc1Knight

l2 sleeping or may see is weak and gramatically  fallible
 — rivergood

the way this is worded is that there is someone or something named 'star'. in english the word needs a 'the' in front of it to show that it is 'a star' and not our poet 'starr'.

'you are sleeping, or you would see'.  

'milky-way'. so, 'milky-way, and dreams set free'. to show that the milky-way is in the sky and now you can dream.

'you will cover for no one could see', isn't english. 'you will cover so no one could see'.

'and the lowest is the inn mark to be'. 'inn' is an auberge, a hotel'. 'in mark' is german.

etc.

of course, this will be ignored, because poetry is worthless to you and anything you write is perfect. but, this isn't in english. so much so that it's like a google translate.

best to write in your native mother language, so that you can know how to say things, not just what you want to say.
 — cadmium

this star is shinning  line 1
 — rivergood

Sorry,  "inn mark" do is my typo which I've changed. But I think other grammatical corrections will do harm to the poem's musicality. I'll remain it unchanged until I firgure out the best solution.
 — Roc1Knight

if you want to sound like a t.v. movie russian, go for it.
 — cadmium

oh for god sake just write in your mother tongue, i'm sure it would be beautiful!
I'll translate after.  russian poetry is my favourite, i don't know what language you speak but it sure isn't english.  consider posting this in your native language just below this poem, so we can compare. that would be nice.
 — jenakajoffer

Sorry, this poem only has English version, jenakajoffer. I will try to avoid the grammatical mistakes in my next poem, and wish you guys watch it and give your comments, especially cadmium and jenakajoffer. It is no fun just write in my mother language.
 — Roc1Knight

l1  the star is shinning  or a star is shinning
 — unknown

'shinning' is from 'shin', the leg part. so, 'the star is shinning' would mean what? 'shining' is from 'shine', to radiate or reflect light or emit light.
 — cadmium

thanks for making the correction of 'shinning'. most people wouldn't, cause they don't like my attitude. they've made my attitude.
 — cadmium

What a pity when star is shining, that grammar is pushed above heart...

keep the spelling mistakes, they make it deeper!
great poem,
don't edit any more of it..

"thee" didn't annoy me, a poem that starts with "what a pity when star is shining" merits that sort of word
 — impoppy

words change all the time, letters are dropped...i'm sure shining was shinning at one stage...but if you need, use a  spell checker in future...would help if need be...but  its a learning experience...but don't alter what you published imo.. I think it'd be a bad idea, would make you feel like you wrote your poem with someone else...don't lose your own voice... just use spell checker before posting, because its a crap way to be critiqued, simple grammar errors..

like being the star player in a football match and then saying something stupid after the match to a commentator.

I like thee, instead of these..or them in this poem..

i like "the times they are a changin'  more than "the times they are changing"
I like the circus is CoMmInG than the circus is CoMing
 — impoppy

i'm poe, you're illiterate, aren't you. it's about how the word was pronounced, not how it was spelled. with this kind of banal writing, uninspired and trite, you don't expect any kind of invention in the writing. when i see someone using 'thee' in a poem, i think it's either a sound thing, about the sound of the word in poetry, or a pretentious thing -- or, in this case, probably used by someone who doesn't have a lot of experience with english poetry and thinks that all poetry uses 'thee' just because the shakespeare he read in latvian middle school used 'thee'.

there's making a poem, and constructing prose using odd words and funny line breaks. here in PC, there's a lot of marginally educated writers who hate poetry but have to write something to get laid, so they type out some poetry-shit and laugh at us for taking it seriously. or, even better, they might be running a poetry therapy workshop in LA and not have a clue about poetry but know that it pays the rent and 'it's so easy to write a poem'.

you're using those people as a guide to writing. their 10's and 'it's soo good' are making you do comedy club writing and keeping you from becoming a poet. poetry is a moral thing -- the shape of the poem is a picture of the poet. clone and half-way thought out poetry shows a lamer writer trying to be taken serious without having to do the work.
 — cadmium

Thanks for mpoppy's, cadmium's and others' comments. Even some words are warm, some words are sharp like knife, but these show you both take my poem seriously which is good for my poem and my writing skills. I wish you guys also take my next poem seriously and give your comments.
 — Roc1Knight

i am wish you write english. i can't trust your writing if i'm not sure you really know what you're writing, poetry isn't about being a nice person and having nice thoughts. it's about making poetry.
 — cadmium

I want to share a poem with you, cadmium. It says: "In the morning I cast my net into the sea./ I dragged up from the dark abyss things of strange aspect and strange beauty--some shone like a smile,/ some glistened like tears, and some were flushed like the cheeks of a bride/ When with the day's burden I went home,  my love was sitting in the garden idly tearing the leaves of a flower./ I hesitated for a moment, and then placed at her feet all that I had dragged up, and stood silent./ She glanced at them and said, 'What strange things are these? I know not of what use they are!'/ I bowed my head in shame and thought, 'I have not fought for these,  I did not buy them in the market; they are not fit gifts for her.'/ Then the whole night through I flung them one by one into the street./ In the morning travellers came; they picked them up and carried them into far countries." I think my poems are same strange and useless things.
 — Roc1Knight

it's a fake poem made to look like life, but all the sentences in it are dead facts. a poem is so private that we're not supposed to even know what we've written. this one you're even able to use as a gun.

using words to make me think you're real only works on me if you show me your shape and sound. just showing your head trip isn't enough, because i'm in my own head trip.

in any case, i'm tired and need my own work shredded' so that i can move on to write the poem i'm meant to write.

i'll play with words, write lyrics and verse, but i never use my stuff as dollars to buy likes and 10's. you need to write the poem about you seeing you that you can't use words anymore. that will be your first poem. it'll write itself.

you make me sad, because you think i'm so stupid, easily faked out. it means you won't change until you lose everything. that's so human sad but so normal for a poet.
 — cadmium

Oh, please, I was not using that poem as a gun to you, cadmium. The poem was written by Tagore. I think it is not a fake poem and especially not a dead one. And it exemplifies something like my poem might strange or wrong, but not means nothing.

Like what you say, poetry is about making poetry. That sentence is tautology. It means, sometime, perhaps most time, a poet does not know what they are writing, until the poem was done. When a poem was done, it's the spectator's job to criticize.

So I am definitely not think you are stupid. In fact, I am expecting your comments, even most of them made me uncomfortable. And some of your words are about grammars, that do is an important issue which I agree, and also part reason of my uncomfortable. Who would bother when someone says things untrue? But on the other hand, I think poetry is more than that, even in English.

That's my defence for my writting attitude, not for some poems I written. That's what I want to say. And I also think my poem "When I saw her" is better than this one. Looking forward for your criticism.
 — Roc1Knight

speaking of 'thee's' and 'thou's.... "know thyself." start from watching yourself read -- see what you're not doing as much as what you are doing. i've been reading and writing poetry for over sixty years. i've seen a lot of how i read and write and how others read and write. i've talked to hundreds of writers about how they wrote a poem.

'' you will cover for no one could see". -- i see this kind of syntax in game discussions on the net. someone who first apologizes for his poor english.

the basic element of a poem is the phrase. a sentence MUST be a tautology, must only prove itself. but, a phrase is an element in a greater dialog. Conceptually, there are no 'words', just moments in a phrase. Conceptually, the sentence doesn't exist except as an element in a subjective dialog.
 — cadmium

"there are no 'words', just moments in a phrase", that is just one kind of poetry, cadmium. Most of haiku poems have these staring moments or silent moments, if you had read them. But I don't know how this concept become the main English poetry idea in you mind. As far as I know, not every English poems are this kind, not "Idylls of the King".
Speak of "know thyself", the ancient Greeks also leaved us two great epic, Iliad and Odyssey.
 — Roc1Knight

that's a language philosophy, an hypothesis. it's not a kind of poetry at all. where did you learn what a poem is? who told you what a poem is and why did they tell you that? have you not read anything i've written that didn't look like 'he's not being nice' to you? these are concepts.

yes, there are different kinds of poetry for different intellects and sensibilities. just as there are different musics for different sensibilities. think about it. is every song streamed just as good on your sensibility as every other song? do some seem slick and cheap? and, others seem like they're transcending the genre? this site is about honesty in writing -- where it's assumed you're sensitive and all that -- poetry writing isn't normal, it's not something most people care for or would want to be involved with. you've got to be very up front here and say you want to convert the world to whatever by re-setting their life through their reading your poem. or, you have to admit that it's your life that gets reset when you write, and anyone who can read your stuff will get it, and anyone who can't isn't worth writing for.
 — cadmium

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