poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Memory of a near-drowning
Crayon

I spent a lot of time today
 1
thinking about swimming
 2
out into the ocean, bitter brine
 3
sleek black and moving
 4
about the burn of teeth
 5
grinding relentlessly into
 6
the meat of my thigh
 7
of Homeric wine-dark waters
 8
and rosé colored froth
 9
of whistles, of the honey slow
 10
moment of dread doubting that
 11
the comical flap of my arms
 12
four hundred short yards out
 13
would be enough to guide me home
 14
 
 
I spent a lot of time today
 15
thinking about you, and the stupid
 16
fact of how much I love you
 17
still, despite the ruin you carved
 18
on my body in small, imprecise shapes
 19
and how my tears can taste
 20
like seawater if I let myself
 21
wade far enough out
 22

24 Aug 18

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Comments:

although I might prefer a space between lines 14 and 15, this is quite top tier overall.
 — JKWeb

Thank you and taken duly into consideration
 — unknown

and maybe a better title that matches the quality of the poem itself?
 — JKWeb

Good poem
 — unknown

wow
 — unknown

Gave the title another shot, thanks JK. I know the first was just clumsy.
 — Crayon

typically, for a poem to realize, it has to be a picture of the author's reactions. for titling a poem like this, typically the world is reduced to one harsh sharp thing that 'looks' like what you're feeling. i'd call it 'imprecise', because it is actually about your mind's fragmentation and distance from the one. how a single emotion hasn't emerged out of writing this. you might say there are too many phrases and colors in this, but then say that that is how reality is for you right at this moment.

you understand that a poem is about you, not about anyone else? it's a song, a keening, and is about your feelings and how you turn them into an emotion through writing them out, order out of chaos? so, a sophisticated poetry reader knows and expects this -- doesn't need you to hide the personal behind an impersonal story -- you ought to divert the reader, in a good poem, only to show interesting poetry moves, not to hide your feelings.
 — cadmium

'poetry moves' are rhythms and relationships which create a replica of emotional changes and mental realities IN THE READER as he reads the poem. it's the combination of content, and how the consciousness is mimed out as word theatre which makes a poem a poem and not just a short story with funny line breaks.

in a victim world, poetry writing is nothing but a means to an end -- some 'words' you say, when you don't even believe in words, to just get your thoughts out into a group. a group of other victims, in an AA meeting kind of thing, or a group of 'we are sensitive and hurt' in the writer's world: the imagined person reading and understanding the poem and coming back to him.

in a poetry world, the poem is a creation of something into the world as a gift, as though you were the creative energy genius of nature, adding another flower to a world which hasn't enough flowers. this is a poet's world. and, know that poets have already gone through trying to change history by trying to sound smart or sensitive or understanding -- all the things we do to re-make our fucked up lives. the poet realizes that nothing in life worked out except making something real, something that wasn't just a thought.
 — cadmium

The topic I've been waiting for on your blog for a long time, thank you, it's very useful for me
192.168.1.1
 — lukenlow

A unique dry run through a shark attack that makes one shiver.The included metaphor of being too deep in the love experience is brilliant.
 — yando

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