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You know nothing, Jon Snow
Seventeen

Crumbs of conversation
 1
starving me out
 2
 
 
Somewhere between my happy life
 3
and whatever this is
 4
I began to crave them
 5
 
 
Ribs ripple and hips carve
 6
out this new territory
 7
where great measures are taken
 8
make me lea(r)n
 9
 
 
A lengthy siege
 10
 
 
Gaunt stares
 11
Spidery limbs
 12
Pools of tears
 13
in clavicle reservoirs
 14
 
 
It won’t last forever
 15
Give up if you want
 16
Maybe they’ll fill you with
 17
formaldehyde
 18
and your belly will
 19
 
 
finally
 20
 
 
be
 21
 
 
full
 22

15 Sep 18

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Comments:

You have arbitrarily capped some lines and not others. You have inserted a single comma into the piece that makes no sense without the whole piece being punctuated.

The "pools of tears" (just "tears" may suffice) could be seen as cliché, but I like  "clavicle reservoirs" the description conjures imagery to go with it too.
 — unknown

Came back to this to make sure I was scanning this right. I can see from a second reading that you have used the line breaks for punctuation, it has worked in places but not in others. The first two lines for instance would definitely run together, so the capping of "starving" stands out. "pools" should probably be capped as the natural flow from "spidery limbs" does not work.

The comma still sticks out "like a sore thumb." I assume you would end stop both lines one and two of the last verse if you were using punctuation?
 — unknown

Comments above me.

i agree about capitalization.  we make up the rules with poetry, but i use capitalization less liberal, so much so that liberals will choke if i so much as use the word "retard" outside of reference to those with down syndrome.

other than that, this is maybe my favorite poem today. thanks.
 — dvdsxr

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