poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Shift Change

Saffron horizon--
Moon clocks in as Sun clocks out.
Graveyard shift begins.

22 Sep 18

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

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Thank you for the three rating.  It would be nice to know the suggestions you have to improve the poem.  :)
 — unknown

too short promises more than it can deliver
 — unknown

Duly noted.  Thanks.
 — unknown

Not too short for me, it says exactly what it should. There is a lot in this if one wants to take their time over the imagery. I like the thought of the worker maybe on a silent street heading for the steelworks maybe.

I personally would have cut, "as" line 2, and used a comma, superfluous wording in this format should be "done away with" when poss.
There is also no need for the double hyphen is also not needed one is enough.

Mine was not the three rating!!!
 — unknown

I like your use of "clocking in and out" too to echo the shift change.
 — unknown

"Mine was not the three rating!!!
— unknown"

every unk is the same person. sometimes they're spamming and other times posting like puppies looking for a hug. it really doesn't matter if an unk posts or not: if they have no history, then we can't crit their poem. we won't know if this here poem might not be written when the author was half drunk or half holy. we're not passives waiting face down on the bed to be gifted with the truth. we're writers. we only know each other as writers. our daily outside lives mean very little. that's how it's supposed to be. i don't care that you're a bagger at walmart, only that you're a genius on the page.    
 — cadmium