poetry critical

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aforbing

You're 16
 1
It occurs to me that u don't need
 2
me anymore and maybe that
 3
is what hurts.
 4
Maybe it's being up early so we can
 5
take u there before I have 2 go
 6
in 2 work.
 7
Maybe it's the idea of u behind
 8
the wheel of an automobile
 9
without me there beside u.
 10
Could be the memory of your Grandpa
 11
who was killed by a drunk driver--
 12
you were named after him, you know.
 13
Perhaps it's u telling me that you've got
 14
three 20's and a ten
 15
with my name on it.
 16
"I don't expect u to pay for it,
 17
it's just that I have to reserve my spot online--
 18
they only take credit cards for payment."
 19
So, maybe you do still need me...
 20
Maybe I can still parent u,
 21
guide u, show u my love
 22
tell u that I believe in u.
 23
It never was about the 70 bucks,
 24
was it?
 25

8 Nov 18

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forcing an attitude is what you're talking about and how it hurts. but, reacting in opinion is also just a play in attitude and can't heal you or anyone else. the thoughts are nice, the emotion presented is well lettered and polite, but so what...?

an attitude is a body thing, where you are eating and controlling who gets near you. an opinion is a reactive wording in some kind of language to create levels of value, state what's good and not good. most poetry since the invention of the upper working class knowing how to write, is just a forcing of an opinion on the world -- whether that opinion is to 'don't hurt me' or, 'luv me'. it's ok for a world of bleating sheep who need to hear bleats, but it's not a mature thinking or writing. you need to stop writing to get something and start writing to find out how words are controlling your natural self. there's a natural way to build poetry and it's not about just making interesting or sad/ happy thoughts. free yourself, go back to nature and then come back to your world and write what you saw.
 — cadmium

I wrote this to my son, it wasn't meant to be anything beyond that.
 — aforbing

and, in fact, it isn't anything beyond that. why did you post it in a critical forum if that forum had more than one person, your son, critiquing.

it's obvious what it was written for and why. the point of poetry is to find out who you are, not spank  your children. just shaming and praising is ok but it makes you forced to write prosey wordings -- everything's about you and the story you have to tell. poetry isn't story telling, it's the finding of your identity and the redemption of character.

the committee people who want to own you will tell you that nobody can say what a poem is or isn't. they just luv your work.
 — cadmium

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