poetry critical

online poetry workshop



At This age, I Don't Know
FangzOfFire

Dedicated to a childhood friend.

I remember how we used to be best friends
 1
and it was okay, because at that age, boys and girls got along
 2
How we caught bugs in our backyards
 3
and it was okay, because at that age, bugs were more like friends
 4
How we used to pretend to get married, me in my mother's skirt and you in your father's blazer,
 5
and it was okay, because at that age, no one really knows what marriage means
 6
How one day you threw rocks at me from over the fence;
 7
I guess at that age, boys thought girls were weird
 8
I still see those bugs
 9
That skirt
 10
Those rocks.
 11
I think of you often
 12
And wonder if you think of me
 13
And I wonder
 14
At this age
 15
If it's still okay
 16

8 Jul 04

Rated 10 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 10
Inactive (20): 1, 1, 1, 4, 4, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(26 more poems by this author)

(14 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

WOW i think its so great
and i just love it
 — unknown

Thanks! I wish you weren't anonymous--I'd like to read you poetry. Anyone else care to comment?
 — FangzOfFire

you have a typo in LN 5 "and". i don't mean to sound picky. i just thought it would be a good thing to fix up. You've done a really good job but in lines 1-8 you say too much. I am not suggesting that you omit lines...just condense things. now that i think about it, i have no clue how you could do that. i just feel that lines 9-16 are excellent...but compared to the beginning, the beginning seems to long.
This really says a lot. it's lovely, the message at the end "i wonder...if it's still okay" moved me. Good job.
 — peanut

Thanks for the comments on my poems, peanut. This is the condensed version, the original one was at least 30 lines. But, if L1-8 were condensed, nothing would make sense.
 — FangzOfFire

Hey....I thought I'd look at one or two of your poems, seeing as you looked at mine.....
I can't really criticise this one to be
honest.....Love line 8 more for how its worked into the poem as much as a line on its own...
Also line 6, for the same reason....
But i'm not sure if the word "okay" is strong enough in the last line...
Other than that, great job!
Also, I think it works well with the long beginning, and must disagree with Peanut on that one. Ps...Sorry, if this is a bit jumbled!
 — silly

I think line 6 and line 8 should be in past tense.
you have:
"boys and girls got along...
bugs were more like friends"

so I think it should be:
no one really knew what marriage ment..
boys thought girls were weird

that would sound interesting as it's own poem:
boys and girls got along
bugs were more like friends
boys thought girls were weird
and no one really knew what marrige ment.

may I suggest a semi colon or hyphen at the end of lines 9 and 10
maybe make 9-11 and 12-16 two different stanzas.

I like watching your progress in this poem. it just keeps getting better.
 — peanut

I liked the longer version better, it was like a nice little narrative. This feels like the author forgot that we don't know about certain things obvious to the author, and we miss certain pieces of your friendship with well, your friend. And for some reason, all the "How"s and "It's okay"s are giving me a splitting headache right now..>.<
 — wendz

Thanks you guys! However, I'm not going to edit it again, as I'd rather like to write more poetry than work on the same one for a third time.
 — FangzOfFire

I don't mean to mimic the last comment...but...WOW...I really liked reading your poem.  
 — unknown

I really caught your emotion in this piece, it was powerful and awesome....I understand what you are trying to get across...Hope everything is okay! Good job keep it up...you are a very awesome poet for 13..I am only 13 too so I know how it feels to try to get your work noticed but your awesome!
~*Candie*~
 — xXx_kiss_xXx

oomg i love it...its full of emotion and really makes me think of my childhood loves and all...great job...
 — Emily

sweet, but
i never read the original
so i can't say
whether it's grown
or shrunk
in estimability
 — noodleman

just okay
 — unknown

I really like this, its just so real, people think these things, but no one has the guts to say them outloud... i love it
 — dmartin

Onmy favs.
Really like it, so REAL
 — MFine

and this was ok.
and now it's better.

in faves.

ps: i'm sorry to hear about the load in your pants, though.
 — noodleman

Aww...I really like this poem....I have the same thoughts of old times friends that I use to have when I was young...thanks for the old memories that this brought back.....Great Job.....
 — GoThIcSlUt69

did i misunderstand Candie's comment, or are you really 13? this poem shows a depth of understanding one wouldn't expect in such a young person. sweet and sentimental w/o being hackneyed. keep writing...i'd really like to read the stuff you do at age 25!
 — Catbox

i love this i cant say anymore
 — lodza

love it 10
 — speech_less

all i can think to say is that this is wonderful.
 — pull_my_hair

This is so good. Great evocation of childhood frienships .brill ending
 — larrylark

are the bugs dead?

No, seriously; I like this. A lot.
 — MissMay

Wow, I really like the journey this takes us through to the present question that makes the whole thing matter more. Wonderfully written.
 — SteelAngel

This is very moving. I got drawn in and felt quite emotional by the end. Lines 9-16 pack a punch and say a lot in few words.
 — smugzy

A little childish and repetitive but I liked the way your wrapped it up.
 — unknown

I'm extremely impressed. "At that age, poets aren't often writing. But I can tell you, it's better than okay."

*ahem*

Sorry for the poor paraphrase, but immitation is the sincerest form of complement, eh?

Quite excellent. The workshopping has done this one good.
 — phyridean

Thanks to all of you who helped me with this and other poems; I appreciate it so much!
 — FangzOfFire

True, beautiful, reminds me.
Thanks.
 — delfinkay

i love the imagery in this one. it makes me feel sweaty and warm... like a summer night.
 — inprogress

i think lines 10, 11, 13, 14, 15 & 16 shouldn't be capitalised.
 — unknown

stunning poem, conveys some good thoughts very well! write me MORE!
 — bob

Beautiful! Simply sweet.
-Erin*
 — livedeeply

L8 should be thought.  Why are 10-16 capitalized?

Other than that, great job; I enjoyed it.
 — fallinforyou

I like this a lot. Something almost everyone should be able to relate to. Sweet.
 — marmite

Thats beautiful, really sweet... all around full circle picture, great... real, Yeah, all around well done topic and the writing is well excuted.
 — unknown

Thank you all for your comments...I consider this my first decent poem. It seems all of you have gotten the same feeling I was trying to put out with this.
And, to the anonymous user it concerns, I'm looking into the capitalization and I'll probably adjust it a bit.
Thanks, dudes!
 — FangzOfFire

fallin's right, it should be thought in line eight, not think.  the other one's are in past tense, this should be as well.
 — unknown

Oops. Good call, guys...even though it was meant to be in the infinitive, it works better this was anyhow.
 — FangzOfFire

I really liked it.  It made me think of my childhood friend - a boy (and I'm a girl), but I don't like the line about still having the bugs.  Dead bugs?  You kept them?  Or the memory?
 — honeypot

is self-reference almost paradoxical?
 — Meep

so in love with this sweet poem......
 — unknown

i'm so in love with this poem.......
 — unknown

I love this, I can entirely relate to it all.
keep up the good work!
 — Thea

I don't really like this, it's sort of plain and dull; this is an idea that people have been using over and over again. The fact that you say you still have the bugs and the rocks is kind of bizarre and makes me think of a stalker.
 — MissMay

WHOA! this is great. i wish u werent anonymous, id love to read more of your stuff.
 — NathanSimms

They aren't anonymous, you have to rate to see the author's name..
 — fallinforyou

Wonderfully exquisite
 — MrTom

Thanks to some, no thanks to others.
Critique ain't appreciated here, as this poem is hella old.
 — FangzOfFire

cute.
 — mmoneypenny

awwwww the innocence is mind blowing. (9) i didnt like the title that much however.
 — my_adonis

'bugs were more like friends' wah thats superhot, thats the good line.  I htink I still see those bugs is enough without the list of objects because the bugs mean that stuff too.  That short line ending with the no visuals, find a way to likechop in half to a more punch, some good stuff here
 — bykguy2000

I think of you a lot. How you cut off my pigtails, tripped me, so that I fell in the mud, smashed me on the head with your baseball bat while feigning a blow (that was your story anyway). Yes, I think of you a lot, because I hate you.
 — unknown

0.228s