poetry critical

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fallen from grace
Inuki

"You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace."
-Galatians 5:4


if you fall, it doesn't mean
 1
that what was above was any better,
 2
you need not spread false hope
 3
like you extend your mechanical wings.
 4
 
 
there's no sense in climbing back up,
 5
cutting your hands on Mount Olympus,
 6
to be struck by Zeus' lightning;
 7
you were better off staying on the ground.
 8
 
 
if you fell in flame and silent fury
 9
then have the sense to put your candle out
 10
before standing in the middle of traffic,
 11
at rush hour on a saturday sunset.
 12
 
 
and if your charred remains,
 13
black and brittle like broken bottle crosses*,
 14
shriek for forgiveness six years after Hiroshima,
 15
then build a shrine in a bamboo grove:
 16
 
 
each morning, jump off the roof,
 17
until your bones shatter under the weight
 18
of centuries of crimes- you've secretly committed,
 19
and meditate an hour for every new bamboo shoot.
 20
 
 
fold a thousand paper cranes- and hang them
 21
above my hospital bedroom,
 22
and soon you will flicker out
 23
like frost against a window pane
 24
in the dead of the winter solstice.
 25
 
 
 
 
* In Japan, crosses represent the devil.
 26

12 Aug 04

Rated 7 (7) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (38): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(260 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

This is absolutely incredible.  

line 3 - I think you should change this line to the imperative form, as it eliminates the repititions of the word "you."

line 5 - 8 - I love this stanza, great imagery.

line 7 - Zeus is just one person, so I believe you can just use "Zeus's," I could be wrong though.

line 13 - 16 - Great allusion to Hiroshima, wonderful imagery.

line 20 - The wording of this line confused me.

This is probably the absolute best piece with a religious concept I have ever read.  A few minor mistakes (one that might not even be one), magnificent.
 — Resonanz

This is awesome. The imagery is amazing here, and great allusions. l3 is slightly confusing though, as we aren't told who need not give false hope. I love line 9 and 10, correct me if I'm wrong, but does that refer to Macbeth?

The alliteration in l14 is incredible, it flows as well as makes sense. You know, the more I read through this, the more I appreciate the employ of the English language here. The flow is superb (I have only lately come to realise how hard it is to find poetry that actually does happen to flow), as is the grammar and punctuation (again, atrocious grammar and punctuation is becoming increasingly common). The feeling conveyed by this poem is very, very nice. Pretty, but substantial. l20--Ouch.

As well, I like the allusions and imagery of l21, I like the last stanza once. Would 'you' by any chance be lying in the hospital bed from leukaemia? I actually didn't read this as one about religious concept as all, although I appreciate some of the religious connotations of this. There are too many different refernces in this to pinpoint exactly what this poem addresses, but I read the last three stanzas to represent Hiroshima and the amount of evil committed by Man there.

Oh crappers. Mate's over, come back later, if i remember to. But this is awesome stuff.
 — unknown

-wendz
 — unknown

With regards to religious concept, I read it more as a contrast between what Man has done and what is preached by religion. The last stanza is the best, to my mind. I'm not sure about the structure of l21 though, it just could be better. The '-' looks a bit awkward, although it doesn't hurt the flow of the poem. I'm not sure the 'the' is needed in l25.

L9 & l10 and all of the last three stanzas are captivating, I enjoyed reading them extremely much. The first stanza feels incomplete however. The lines seem too short. I would suggest exchanging the full stop for a comma at l2 and adding a 'you' at the beginning of l3. But I'm not sure if that would alter the meaning you intended for the first stanza too much. Again, this is great. Imagery is riveting, language is intense, and use of filler words minimal.
 — wendz

Thanks for so much great feedback you guys- I keep trying to make this poem as good as I can...

But I'm a little confused... Maybe it's just a difference of opinion?

Resonanz said:

"line 3 - I think you should change this line to the imperative form, as it eliminates the repititions of the word "you.""

But Wendz said "I would suggest exchanging... adding a 'you' at the beginning of l3."

So which do I do? How do I know which way is better? o.O;; Any help, from anyone?
 — Inuki

The first stanza has an awkward flow, is what I meant. As a reader, I find that I am confused in l3, as I have no idea what is happening there. The line feels incomplete. If it reads;

if you fall, it doesn't mean
that what was above was any better[,]
[you] need not spread false hope  
like you extend your mechanical wings.

the reader has more of an idea what is happening, and who is being addressed.

There are 'you's and a 'your' in that first stanza, so I don't see why sticking a 'you' at the beginning of l3 makes much of a difference with regards to changing it to its imperative form (had to look up the other meaning of imperative).
 — wendz

thats cool, i like how you bring it back to consciousness with references to saturday sunsets and frost against a window pane in the dead of the winter solstice; a very meditative piece, nice (9)
 — stilltime

After much consideration I have decided to put the word "you" back into the beginning of l3, as Wendz recommended. I think it flows smoother that way.
 — Inuki

This is great!
 — blankpages

astounding.
 — Angelfire

jesus fucking christ.

how the hell am i number one on the top rated and not this?

this is just amazing. everything about it; the imagery, the ideas, the form.

i love this. thank you for posting this. i wish i could read poetry this good all the time.
 — AEOS

I agree with Incredible.  It's beautifully rendered.  There are too many good lines to single out one.
 — Isabelle5

agree 100%
 — AEOS

I used to fold origami when I was a kid.  In later life I would fold for girls I attempted to romance.  As far as being better off staying on the ground; not everyone gets to be struck down my Zeus.  It's always interesting when Western and Eastern thought combine.  Reminds me of when Christianity mingles with pagan thought.  Like in the Americas or in Celtic cultures.  Back to listening to Jeff Buckley.  Cheers.     ;    
 — devilsbelboy

I like this poem a lot and am planning to stalk the author. =)
 — FangzOfFire

i think it's brilliant!u can't make it shorter than it already is,and u should change ur poetry,what u dodge down the first time is uniqe.leave it there for the world to see.10/10
 — Odin

The beginning needs a lot of work. It lack sense, form, flow, and
thought. The first stanza spirals downward into the "mechanical
wings" ending. The imagery in the first stanza lacks transition into
the imagery of the next. The second stanza does support your them but
in turn presents imagery that lacks sophistication or beauty. It is
far too raunchy and is in sharp contrast to the first stanza serving
only disrupt the tone and mode in your poem. The third stanza
presents advice that is narcissistic, arrogant, and is completely of
your topic; whatever that may be. In the fourth stanza your imagery
gets a little better but you drop your theme from the first three
paragraphs. Then you state that the Hiroshima victims’ souls cry for
forgiveness. This is a slight problem. Earlier you talk about
hopelessness and guilt and how once you fall don't get back up. Then
you speak, directly after this about how the victims of one of the
most horrific tragedies in human history shriek for forgiveness. Who
needs forgiveness. Are they asking for forgiveness for their
murderers for their deaths, or are they asking forgiveness for
themselves for dying. After this you evoke the memory of young Sadako
to support youre ideal in a paltry attempt at emotional manipulation.
Please, get your thoughts straight, find a theme, and pray to the
muse.

-Joan
 — unknown

good poem. if i had to vote out of ten, i would give it a 10
 — unknown

i read a book in elementary school about the whole paper crane thing...i only vaguely remember the story but i do know that i really liked it
 — duffyj83

This Bible quote, "You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking
to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace.
-Galatians 5:4" will be effective and appropriate if placed on top of the poem, after the title.
 — unknown

Well, unknown, that is one of the flaws of this site, I'm afraid. I can't have both footnotes and introduction notes.

So either the footnote or introduction note section will have to be pasted in as part of the poem, neither of which is desirable.
 — Inuki

i like the it, plain and simpel i like it
 — pookey0922

that was a wonderful piece of writing. i was very impressed with the way the words all came together. very well done
 — JuventusAFI

Every time I read this, I wish we had a higher number than 10.  
 — Isabelle5

This is easily my favourite piece that I have seen thus far on this website.  Keep up the good work!
 — unknown

i don't like it in the imperative voice.... i think it would sound better as a hypothetical situation.
 — mmmzesty

i can so realate to some things in the whole poem like i used to be really popular and now i have like no friends and i wasn't a backstabber either ~ unknowable
 — unknown

this is something that demands re-reading
i've read it several times and have not commented
because the images you present, along with the content within this piece, to me are quite visceral, that it is hard for me to articulate what i want to say
it would be inappropriate for me to give you my usual inane garbled pseudo comment

this poem startled me
thats a beautiful thing
 — onklcrispy

stunning. that's all i've got.
 — gem_grrrl

you rock, nukester.

noodleman
 — unknown

Inuki is a biscuit stealing bastard!  Give us back the biscuits!  And they better not be soggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

Wow. Real mature Derrick.
I didn't take your freaking biscuits.
 — Inuki

Sure, free verse is fun
But Mother says you'll go blind
If you do it much.
 — unknown

Wow!  Great Imagery!
 — john

Bitch @ the dude who did the D scroll.

Otherwise, pritty gud. I like the emotion in it and the way your hatred for organized religion comes through.
-Zr
 — ramher

Lines 13-16    I love the imagery
 — Darkfollower

great poem. lines 21-25 stood out to me alot. it is a well done stanza I love the dark imagry in it. the poem as a whole is awsome even though I am a religious person.
this should be the top rated poem. I agree with AEOS
 — icey_blue

like it...but isn't lightening spelled wrong?  Maybe I'm dumb.  I don't know.
 — themolly

You were right, I'm an imbicle.  My bad.
 — themolly

i like the first stanza
 — unknown

Good poem.
 — unknown

Oh, this came up as random.  I am gratified to see that I gave it a 10 long, long ago.  Still wonderful writing.
 — Isabelle5

I love this I really do what with the story like poems... it has meaning and not very many have that now a days just a random collection of five or so words and I think it's a little depressing ^.^ good work
 — Hidden_words

superb.
: )
 — fractalcore

   wow! uplifting imagery! impressive!
 — enkantada

nice
i might suggest that in 19 and 21 that the words following the dash could easily be deleted without replacement, helping the poem to make a little more sense, at least to me, in those spots
 — chuckle_s

i didnt even see this poem...it is awesome...the best writing ive seen yet...
 — brother_sun

Back on the list of top rated, well deserved.
 — Isabelle5

oh my god this is beautiful. this is wow... i love this. i wish i could bring words to explain how much this means to me. thank you.
 — silentspring

absolutely.beautiful.
 — Ansel

* in minds that are free, crosses represent the devil too.
 — unknown

bump...this is one of my favorite poems ive read on this sight..
 — brother_sun

just another "cool" person demeaning any faith in Jesus, in the name of "poetry," being praised by others who love to blaspheme that Name (to their shame). The Galatians quote ONLY referred to people who lost the "spirit" of Jesus BY BEING TOO "LAW"-LOVING(as in enforcing Leviticus)!  How ironic, not to know the meaning of the source material. Jesus never dropped a bomb on Japan, he never did anything to any of you but offer you peace, but not as this world would give. No use casting pearls where swine trample you to pieces...

Let the Christians who can somehow make peace with every blasphemy that calls itself "art" praise this.  
 — unknown

^Say it great to fall from God's grace, you automatically get a great "rep." Wasn't Gal. about the ones who fell, not through sin, but through being legalistic hypocrites? Suppose anyone here reads the Bible, even though it's fundamental to our cultural heritage, and much more?
 — unknown

What's above is FAR better than what I see here.
 — unknown

^^ At least the part about "crosses represent the devil" is right. The cross "represented the devil" for Christ too!  He said that in the Gospels, but turned His own crucifixion into "Good Friday."
 — unknown

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