poetry critical

online poetry workshop



She Came Out Lacking
rosetinted

Standing on the edge
 1
dawn to her back
 2
staring into evening.
 3
 
 
The stars in the sky
 4
seemed like lost hopes
 5
she couldn't even count them
 6
anymore.
 7
 
 
She could hear her own breathing,
 8
the beating of her heart.
 9
Time had betrayed her.
 10
Left her with gaping holes
 11
where dreams had once been.
 12
 
 
Long ago, she had weighed her heart
 13
and found it lacking
 14
in desire
 15
and ambition.
 16
 
 
What was life
 17
without a dream anyway?
 18

Umm... I don't really know what this is or how it got onto the page... and I'm not really sure that I really like it.  So... comments would be helpful.

15 Aug 04

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 7, 8, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I like this piece very much... it exudes desolation without being melodramatic or resorting to campy descriptions of suicide and mutiliation. Part of the reason it works so well to be so bleak is the complementary effect of the subject and the language, for the most part. The figure in the poem has no strong feelings (it seems, no passion... thus, her feelings are best described through quiet desperation, not histrionic wailings.
The only things I'd alter in this piece are the more dramatic images, like ll.11-12, the language is more violent than the rest, marring the serene despair.
The last two lines are wonderful... truly chilling and portentous, but still not melodramatic.
Excellent piece, over all.
 — dandy

Wow.  I never even thought of it like that.  But l11&12 were my favorite lines, so I think I'll leave those in unless I get more comments to change them.  I'm really, really glad you liked it... and you gave me an entirely new light on the subject.  Thankyou
- Rosetinted
 — unknown

this evokes a lot of feeling, and it's very good.  i think if you read over it twice, you'll like it.  i did.
 — sassybnyss

Thanks.
 — rosetinted

comments?  please?
  -Rosetinted
 — unknown

comments?
 — unknown

COMMENTS
 — rosetinted

I like what this expresses, but it's quite hard to comment on, as there aren't any meaty bits to grab and say "Behold!" What I think might be quite interesting is to add in a bit more narrative, but in doing so, you may lose the quiet despairing tone of this. If you do that, then you might lose the poem. I think you could change l4, stars is an image I like and in this poem, its use is justifiable, but this may be even more powerful with a different figure. I especially like the ending couplet.
 — wendz

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2018.9.15chenlixiang
 — yaoxuemei

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