poetry critical

online poetry workshop



iris of the doomsayer
Inuki

long ago, when beauty walked out of the world
 1
abandoning her scent and form,
 2
throwing on a gown of wreckless abandon
 3
and skinning her knees on the wet pavement—
 4
she flung her naked half-self to the sea.
 5
 
 
as her youngest daughter tried to cry—
 6
worse than Persephone's reclusion,
 7
the entire world curled up like a
 8
dried orange peel.
 9

17 Aug 04

Rated 8.3 (7) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5
Inactive (28): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(260 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Inuki, about your comment that you left me, why do you first assume that I'm married and wanting to get revenge on an abusive husband? Did you ever think that I'm 14 years old and that I have an abusive father? A murder was never commited.. I was just putting my life together... If you have a problem with that, then, I guess there's not much I can do about it.. But figure out what it means rather then just assuming...

     And about your above poem.. What does it mean? I don't understand what you trying to say beside the fact that a little girl lost her mother to the sea..
 — SpazinStoner

I love the random poem button, sometimes it brings up some prefections like this. I found this touching, beautiful, and very haunting in a way. One of my favorites.
 — shadowskiss

Mmmmm.... This is beautiful, wonderful, brilliant... love it, love it, love it!
 — unknown

Nice. The flow, the wording, the images, everything works! Very impressed!
 — ana

ORANGE PEEL ISHT OLD AND CRUSTY!!!
 — unknown

pavements and orange peel make this likeable but it's no where near the best thing i've read, the construction is poor: there is a stanza break where it isn't needed and poor punctuation throughout.

tidy it up and i may agree with some of the over-effusive critiques you've received so far.
 — unknown

eeek! I liked it better stanzified!
 — omega

Re-stanzified, for Omega. ^_-
 — Inuki

Well, I like it.
Sometimes it's not all about the mechanics.

/Rixes
 — teehee

Half-self is beautiful, as is wet pavement.
 — noodleman

This poem is obviously about the film "La Strada," written from the perspective of a jilted lover whose only consolation is the aforementioned film and the ministrations of her mother.
 — Struct

Dig the whole "entire world curled up like an orange peel" thing.
Suggest splitting up some syllables to even out the lines.
Good work otherwise.
...and soforth
 — Vonnegutman

I like it fine up til and including line 7. The ending is interesting, but the rest of the poem has such gentle imagery that the ending comes as a bit of a surprise. I'm not crazy about the wording of "worse than" of l7 either. It just feels a bit awkward. Oh, and I know that you aren't aware of this, but "reckless abandon" is a Blink 182 song. I realise you've used "wreckless", and I like that term, especially in that context, nut thought you might just like to know.

L6 to l7, whilst being good, feel slightly odd. I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong, but it's slightly skewed. How does beauty's youngest daughter cry worse than Persephone's reclusion? I wonder if you mean that beauty's youngest daughter cried more than Persephone did in reclusion. If that is the case, the "worse" is misleading, as is the comma after l7.  The comma indicates a continuation of thought, although slightly different. In this poem though, I don't think the ending has much to do with Persephone crying, I don't feel as if the last two lines are a continuation of thought.

Same with the first stanza. It feels as if l2 to l4 is describing what beauty did, as if that should be in parenthesis. The '-' indicates the parenthesis theory, but the commas refute that reading of the poem, if you get what I'm saying.

I'm not sure that I haven't read this all wrong. Ask if you need clarification. Apart from that, I like it fine, as long as I make my own punctuation. =]
-Wendy
 — unknown

I'm so glad this is still on the top rated. I adore this poem.

By the way, the person who says that stanza break is not needed doesn't know what they are talking about. Construction is perfect as far as I can tell. I love this. What a perfect title, too.  I think this is perfect. The ending is perfect. I wouldn't change a word.
 — elysium

Wendy, you are so cute.. I've never known a person who was more obsessive compulsive over punctuation than you! ;P

Don't worry, though, it's a good thing. Someone has to be!
 — elysium

Personal preference regarding the dashes at the ends of lines 4 and 6 would be for a space between the dash and the word, just to make a clearer distinction between dashes and hyphens.

Another little finicky thing regarding this is that I don't feel it benefits at all from the absence of capitals at the beginnings of its sentences; in fact, it feels detrimental here. I'd recommend capitalising the beginnings of lines 1 and 6, then, as well as 'iris' in the title ('doomsayer' I'll leave to your preference).

The wording of line 6 is a bit cumbersome. 7-9 being one thought, the dash at the end of 6 is intended to refer to the action of those lines happening concurrently with 6. L6, then, doesn't really feel like it has any resolution. In a way this problem also arises at line 4; the dash separates the action of l5 from the content of the first four lines. But beauty's abandonment of scent and form, etc., is intended as happening directly before her throwing herself into the sea, right? It seems lines 2-4 should be a parenthetical; implicitly you know this given your changing of verb tenses. Another dash at the beginning of line 2 solves that problem, though it may be a bit unaesthetically pleasing.

6 to 7 is definitely the biggest problem in here, though. Solve that, and this shall be rather nice.
 — manikin

the entire world curled up like a  8
dried orange peel.  9


the worst comparison i have ever read in a poem.
average performance.
 — invain

very good work indeed
 — Odin

Well, shadowskiss, unknown, ana, rixes, noodleman, vonnegutman, wendz, elysium, semaj, and others, thanks for all your suggestions and help.

invain) i have the same issue with your comment that Dandy did with you on his "Rapist's Daughter"

"you're not being helpful at all. This site works best if people comment constructively and with thought on others' poems, not just insulting them or complimenting them. Both are equally worthless, really, they don't give the writer any direction to improve in.

I suggest you spend more time on each poem you comment on and think of someway which it could be improved, not just try to sound clever while you insult. Try to keep with the writer's needs, not just a desire to be seen commenting on known pieces."

It's cool to see this at #2, even if it's only for a little while, and ratings are notorious for not meaning much.
 — Inuki

the melodramatic imagery of the first stanza,
primarily "throwing on a gown of wreckless abandon"
doesn't work well with the enviously clever, yet simplistic closing lines
also, i don't so much like line 4-- it also doesn't seem to fit, especially after line 3
 — LucyMidnight

its the best i ever saw
it fills me with aw
u are my favorite straw
not!!!
 — unknown

Having looked at the posted work, and the comments extolling its virtues.
The first observation is that these complimentary comments are farcical.

Line four is a grammatical nonsense therefore the ten ratings is also nonsense.
take line one, which world did beauty walk out of.
Did she abandon her scent and form before she walked out of that world.
is so she could not have clothed any form regardless of how wrecked it was.
did she really skin her knees on the wet pavement of abandon?
Did she really fling her self to the sea, and what did the sea do fling her back perhaps.
There no evidence to show the Persephone did cry in Hades she only spending three months of each year there.
which world curled like orange peel the abandoned world perhaps?
Why orange peel, did not Persephone receive a pomegranate.

This seems like a bi- polar exercise to me, but some bi-polars do write excellent poetry, this is not one of them.

Morchuis
 — unknown

I remebered this poem, and that means it had an impact on me, which means that it is a good poem in my book. I especially like the skinning of the knees.
 — Cloudless

That kind of made me want to cry..
 — unknown

0.234s